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Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! 
it's been 06837 days since the last time I gave a crap
Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.......
What's the difference between normal ketchup and fancy ketchup?
now taking applications for the perfect boyfriend. Please leave your credit card numbers and your make/model of pick up truck. (Your name is optional.)...:D
We would all be so lost in this world if it wasnt for our great friends on Facebook who constantly provide us with news updates...
Someone disappointing you just allows you to free up space in your heart for others who won't.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
I've spent 50% of my life learning how to live without sex and alcohol and the other 50% happy.
ladies, if you want a man who will stick by you through thick and thin, marry a procrastinator
if a woman gives you a pat on the back, you aren't getting any.
You'll know it's real if I still love you when I'm sober!
Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out.
There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
I felt sorry for a hypnotist I saw on TV last night... He hypnotized 7 guys, then he tripped over the microphone cord and yelled, "Screw This Microphone!".... What happened next will haunt me forever...
It took 10 years, but you finally got yours!
: If Blind people wear Dark Glasses...why don't Deaf people wear Earmuffs?
suddenly has an urge to go for a balloon ride over Colorado.
When people start a sentence with "Do you know what your problem is..." I interrupt and start telling them all my problems. They never expect that.
Brandi from 'Storage Wars' has humongous jugs 