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The sale of Time Warner Cable to Comcast will be completed between 8am and 1pm depending on if the CEO is late at another appointment 
Only 20 Java updates since yesterday??
No job is too big for me to ignore.
My Dad sends his love because he thinks I know you all personally.
My boss doesn't realize that I'm cleverly disguised as an adult.
the Victorian Government has released a damage report statement concerning yesterdays 5.3 earthquake, that have stated that the damage bill could run into millions of dollars worth of improvments!
you showed up in my toxicology report
I hate pushups more than a T-Rex does.
I acknowledge most people by completely ignoring them.
one good thing about snow is it covers up the dog poo so your lawn look as good as your neighbors
i guess the "forever lazy" suit is appropriately named since it looks like you were too lazy to care youre in public in your pajamas
Arousal is a miracle… Don't try to hide it. It's an unsolicited endorsement, a standing ovation, a spontaneous demonstration. ~Playboy
The only time I wear a suit is for sad occasions, like weddings and funerals.
Now I know why people are looking for intelligent life on other planets! They've given up on this one!!
I grew up in a neighborhood so poor, we all shared the same timepiece . . . or as we liked to call it, the 'neighborhood watch'!
The bravest man in the world is the prince from Sleeping Beauty because waking up a tired woman can go sideways very fast.
The pollen is so bad this year that the folks in the trailer parks are cooking their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
When I was a kid I thought earwigs were bugs that came out of your ears. So you can imagine what I thought when I heard about co*kroaches
This inkblot looks exactly like a hen-pecked husband who has no idea how to pay all of this month's bills
I was trying to think of something really deep to post this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind. 