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I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards 
I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I'm at the liquor store.
"How about we take this to my bedroom"....I whispered to my snacks.
I'd like to give a shout out to those people born in 1932 who are celebrating their 21st birthday today!
*Leonardo Dicapreo goes up to accept oscar* *pulls out speech* *blows dust off of it* Yes I'd like to thank the directors of titanic for th-
There's nothing like taking your bra off after a long hard day of having boobs.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::...:::::
[on a date] Me: I own an airplane , racecar, and a yacht... Her: Wow... Me: But not all at the same time,, I haven't got that many Legos
Yes, Fuckery Dept.? I'd like to file a claim.
I was in Florida and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read "I miss Detroit". So I broke the window, stole the radio and left a note that reads "I hope that helps".
If her bra matches her panties when you take off her clothes, it wasn't you who decided to have sex.
This twit looked at my beer belly and sarcastically said, "Is that Heinken or Millers?" I said, " There’s a tap underneath, taste it".
Went by the house where I grew up. I went up to the door, and asked to go in to look around, but they said No, and shut the door in my face... Mom and Dad can be so rude.
I can't be the only person who's noticed that only flat animals cross the road.
Did you know the bathroom is where 99% of Instagram lurking is done...
Babies: You have hidden your face and then made it appear again....this pleases me.
My parents thought they were naming me something unique, but really they just signed me up for a life with a misspelled, mispronounced, never gonna find it on a Coke bottle name.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
I don't like who I am at buffets.
[At job interview] Interviewer: Do you have a police record?... Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette... *hires me instantly 