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I love you, but I'm not in "change my relationship status on FB" love with you 
Dogs don't care if Bacon is crispy or not!
when you are staring at your beautiful reflection in the mirror, point at it and say "YOU ARE AWESOME!" everyday and you will believe it. then trim your nose hairs because they are looking pretty disgusting.
JAB, Let this be a lesson to idiots every where, you won't get away with it. . .
Those three little words. Those three little wonderful words that mean so much. Yes. Those three little wonderful words: "HEY LET'S EAT!"
People who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead" must not understand the concept of sleeping.
I sneak alcohol into work because I'm a problem solver.
Fake people have an image to maintain. Real people just don't give a sh it.
Attention: Today only you can buy #googleglass for $1500 and look like an even bigger D-bag! It even matches your bluetooth earpiece.
My wife has decided to get a nose job. Unfortunately, the rest of her hasn't got a job to pay for it.
Have you ever told someone you'd be ready in 10 minutes and 4 hours later you're still on Facebook?
I wonder if the first man who said to a woman 'Just calm down' seriously expected that to happen.
After enough vodka shots, a toddler bed is actually quite comfortable.
A group of children is called a "Mucus"
if you love something let it go, if you don't love something definitely let it go. basically, just drop everything, who cares
I really like compliments but I don't want anyone talking to me...
And that concludes the end of the presentation. Any questions? "Um yes. Hi. Since I stayed awake the whole time can I have a raise?"
If you don't boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
This has been one of those years That I should've stayed in bed
I think I'm going to save my good stuff for the after hours crowd, it's Getting Hot In Here! 