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Osama Bin Laden just found out that his 70 virgins are gay men...too late! Up yours, Osama!!! 
wise beyond my beers.
If the world is going to end May 21st it could at least end at 7AM not 6PM so I dont have to go to work.
I don't watch the 10 hr pregame show. My guess it gets to point where they analyze what flavor Gatorade each team will be serving and why.
Someone needs to tell my apt building that tapping the handle on a shower nozzle shouldn't change the temperature by thousands of degrees at once
been so busy lately that even Facebook feels neglected
I'd like to give you a going-away present. .but you have to do your part
Don't be fooled; foil has a tendencey to glitter more than gold..
I wish all of you worked with me. We'd have so much fun til we all got fired.
M L B suspended A-Rod, proving that cheaters never prosper. They just get $350M and a World Series ring while boning models.
What doesn't kill me, is of no interest to my ex wife.
People who say I'm detached from reality make me want to fix my ship and return to my home planet.
I get nervous after taking time off work that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
Being married for 20 years,,, our Valentine's gift to each other is usually staying awake past 8:30
I guess some people are the salt of the earth and others are the wounds.
Sometimes when you’re about to say you’re against abortion you hear a Justin Bieber song and you hold that thought.
I don't procrastinate. I just like to have a lot to look forward to.
Well, today I found out that they don't like you to wear roller skates in the mall! Or maybe they were mad cuz I didn't have pants on.....not sure which one.
a new Pope is all well and good, but what the Cardinals really need is an offensive line.
imagine how hard life would be if we weren't water proof 