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the best of part waking up is folgers in my whiskey. 
Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it." Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"
life is better when you decide you dont care
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway??
Whenever I hand someone my camera to take a picture, they act like I'm asking them to pilot an alien spaceship. JUST PUSH THE DAMN BUTTON!
I think I just contracted herpes in my eyes from watching Jersey Shore.
When you don't remember someones name, you wait for someone else to say it so you can pretend like you knew it all along.
"Dear Santa, seeing you cant define naughty, is it possible you could overlook september for me"?
Ellen DeGeneres finds it hard to judge people and hurt their feeling so she is leaving American Idol. Producers have put in a call to Mel Gibson.
Off is the general direction in which I wish you would f*ck.
Middle school- "shut up, it was a dare!" High school- "shut up, I was drunk!"
Men - Alcohol impairs your ability to make good decisions. We don't want you to lose that ability... we want her to.
What an awesome Springer quote: "You're the crazy one! You chase me with a hammer and yell all the time, the whole trailer park knows."
BAT WINGS: When you're sweaty, and your sac starts stickin to your inner thighs
just read the list of movies the library of congress deemed worthy to preserve, Breakin' 2 electric boogaloo was robbed again!
I'm not making a new years resolution because it's a dumb wasteful thing to do....by the way 2011 is going to be the year I never tell lies.
According to Apple, 300,000 people did not have sex this weekend.
Dear fellow person looking for the lady popping out kids every 10 seconds I have found that lady! her name is Michelle Duggar.
thinks that constant nagging of a girfriend is a real turn off...
I love you in a "leave me alone" kinda way! 