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My girlfriend just got a very interesting fortune cookie: 'Every exit is an entrance to a new experience' "Wow!" she said. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I f*cking hope so. 
A real man respects a woman. A real woman makes a respectable sandwich.
Post this as your status update if you hate status updates that tell you to repost something.
I dont watch porn on purpose...Its alwayz an accident cuz those movie titles just be trickin me all the time..."The Fantastic Foursome"..."Miracle on 69th Street"..."Glad-he-ate-her"..."Womb Raider" and my personal fav "Riding Miss Daisy"
no it is not daughters week, or son's week or mothers or fathers week! If ya really give a sh!t about them, go to their house, look them in the eye and tell them!
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don't mix.
Facebook has allowed me to bring my "He's a distraction to the rest of the class" from grade school to a global scale!!
Just brainstorming about debt. Uh, instead of raising the ceiling, what about lowering the floor?
My mother called Information. While I'm sitting here with my laptop, she called Information. Even the Amish dont call information anymore
This is a perfect example as to why we should quit send money overseas to all these ungrateful countries. Why does the US even care about the rest of the world? They clearly don't care about us.
In 2015, if you're dreaming of a white Christmas, you're a racist.
Some people think that I assume the world revolves around me, which of course is total nonsense. The world revolves around the sun, which shines out of my a$$.
Tiger Woods: "I regret leaving Buddhism for Bootyism".
wants to point out that real men don't sparkle unless he just got back from the titty bar.
Expired milk in my fridge: Do I throw it out or wait until it's delicious cheese?
having an I will never drink again moment!
I bet those Chilean miners going to be pissed when they have to go back to work at 5 in the morning tomorrow.
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Face book?
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should already be open when she brings it.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question? 