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A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says"Why do you think that?". The man says, "well, the s*x is still the same but the laundry is piling up." 
It is so hot, the trees in my neighborhood are whistling for dogs.
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie?
To my 23 friends who are online on Facebook chat at noon on a Tuesday. Get a job you losers.
I seen a Lady driving a 18 wheeler on the highway today..Thought to my self.. Thats a funny looking kitchen..
You call today, "4/20 day". Us in the police world call it, "I'm gonna search the f__ out of your Honda Civic Day"
Today, we celebrate to all the chicks that said "leave it in"
The Google home page today features a giant zipper. I'm NOT gonna open it. Who knows what'll pop out.
My recycling guy knows 2 things about me... I don't recycle very often and I like beer.
I put the o in illiterate.
It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever
By marrying his girlfriend, Mark Zuckerburg finally updated his status to "Married" while his girlfriend changed her status to "Billionaire"!
I'm sorry that I blocked you while I was drunk last night........ but I couldn't figure out how to do it while I was sober. I hope you understand.
I've ruined so many good songs on bad memories.
Symptoms may include insomnia, depression, suicidal thoughts, hallucinations, nausea, stroke or heart attack. (shrugs) At least my headache is gone.
Hey, guy that puts the stickers on fruit....NOBODY likes you.
I eat the broken cookies first,, because I feel bad for them.
Never trust anyone that is nice to you, but rude to the waiter.
Don't you hate it when you get that one idiot that pollutes your entire post?
Dyslexics better do it. 