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There's no place like home. Unless you're a bee, in which case home is a terrible place filled with bees 
When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
WARNING: Ask your doctor if updating your status as often as I do is right for you...
Baby strollers these days are getting out of hand. You're walking a baby. Not taking it 4x4ing through a gladiator pit on a far off planet.
I hate it when the people who owe me money post about how much they got back from the IRS..............
whaa? Today's not Saturday?? Guess I better stop drinking and get to work, then!
I'm ashamed of this but one Halloween I handed out bouillon cubes. Ha! Joking. I'm not ashamed, it was hilarious.
It gives Denver the "mile high" city a whole different meaning now! Haha
If I reply to your one word text... just know you're special.
I already hate next year.
I'm taking my family to see the Nutcracker on Saturday. Of course I'm talking about my mother-in-law, not the show.
Well, if this apocalypse doesn't work out, I hear there's a Jamaican calender that ends on 4/20 next year....
My goal is to one day make it through an entire p orn movie.
Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.
Tonight I'm playing hard to get off the sofa.
If you ALWAYS think the grass is greener on the other side, it might be because you need to take better care of your own sh!t.
Don't tell secrets near a grape vine.
No, autocorrect. I don't want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that's fine.
Home is where I can look and feel ugly and enjoy it.
Auditioning for Animal Planet's new series, "I Shouldn't Be Awake." 