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Rest in Peace Sheriff Taylor.. You will be remembered and loved. 
Me and Megan Fox are fighting again.. I hate this..
Just remember ladies, if nice guys finish last, that means you came first.
Five. Five dollar. Five dollar (and thirty five cents sales tax) footlong.
The Subaru Impreza comes with 11 airbags....maybe it would be easier if all cars were just made by nerf
You're supposed to wash arugula before throwing it away,, right?
Ahh Instagram,,,, Makes me wish I'd thought of cropping pictures into a square and applying Photoshop filters from 1998....
Caution: underestimate me at your own risk!
Prince and Sheena Easton never did tell us who won the World Series of love.
"Going commando" can refer to not wearing underpants, rescuing Alyssa Milano from terrorists, or preferably both at once.
not allowed to use metaphors anymore. It's like an applesauce sandwich trying to teabag a Yeti. Know what I mean?
To all who have worn the uniform of the United States Armed Forces……. from the first shots fired at Lexington in 1775, to the shots still being fired overseas this very day……. I salute you!
Texting: dragging a five minute conversation out for five hours.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. The Universe is a holographic wave-particle illusion. I licked all your spoons.
No matter what people think of you, walk around with your head held high. Multiple chins are not cute.
If I died wouldnt it be weird if you still got random status updates from me?? "I can see the light"...."This line to see Jesus is long"...."I wonder if someone will let me front skip them"...."Oh snap heaven is doin pat-downs"
Blind hookers...ya gotta hand it to em!
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Who wants to get deleted.. send me a game request. . .
Bored? Send a text message to a random number saying: "I'm Pregnant" 