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I want to pause for a moment to remember all my friends that gave a life in Candy Crush Saga. Your sacrifice has not gone unnoticed 
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she's pregnant.
No clue when this weed I found in my bathroom drawer is from, but based on these intense cravings for an Orange Julius, I'd say 1988 or so.
uncertain of what the etiquette is here, I got Kim Jong Il's name in Secret Santa.
Good looks are so important when choosing a doctor.
I used to use expensive, illegal substances to blur the lines of reality. Now, I just take off my glasses.
You ever notice sometimes all day on Wednesday you keep thinking its Thursday? Then when Thursday comes, you're al right again.
Youtube needs to fix the comment section so you don't need to search through 10 pages to find the start of an argument.
Go ahead, call the cops, lady. I got ten witnesses that'll say your baby kicked me first.
The worst part about getting a monogrammed sweater for Christmas is having to find someone with your initials to regift the thing to
Until I get a good woman, I have beer. Then after I get a good woman I will have her and beer.
karma (noun) –when you use all the toilet paper without replacing it and you're the next person to use the restroom.
Sometimes when a person suddenly has a problem with you, just think the issue isn't really you, it's their meds.
Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. So GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE!
"Don't touch me there!" Something I like to yell as I exit the doctors office into the waiting room.
People in Arkansas are curious if this health plan is going to cover tooth whitening.
When I'm in a public bathroom stall and someone knocks on the door, I like to whisper, "lemme see the drugs first." You'd be surprised how quiet it gets.
Mothers, out of the 300 guys you're friends with on Facebook, I can guarantee not even 1 of them wants to see a picture of your baby.
I want a woman that makes my d*ck hard. Not my life.
I'm going to start wearing Summer's Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to d*uches 