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After a Nation Wide Survey we have determined that there were actually 3% more Cleveland Indian fans than Cubs fans. We hereby demand that the Chicago Cubs relinquish their World Series Title!!! ..... Said no sane person ever. 
A very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Why in the hell is 2016 letting Kanye West live?
I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to a bicycle.
Gov't shutdown? Yippee! I'm collecting rainwater for my garden before they reopen and fine me!!
As a driver, I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian, I hate drivers. But no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
The fabrications of criminality are laughable! Finally, your folks are heading for court and prison.
If you can't look back at your younger self and realize that you were an idiot, you probably still are.
Now that Elmer has been disarmed, prepare for a huge population boom of cartoon rabbits ..
Calm down! Walmart is just asking you to wear a mask and you can still wear your pajamas and leave your bras and teeth at home.
They're bringing back the federal government for a limited time, like it's the McRib.
Why storm Area 51 at all? Just dress up like an ailen and wander around outside the fence. They'll catch you and take you inside.
If people try to tell you money doesn't buy happiness - they're wrong. It does.
.... If you own a Tesla and it gets stolen .... Is it then called an Edison?
Trust me, don't get Guinea Pigs. They're a lot of work for relatively little meat.
Britain: Now that you're no longer part of Europe, can you finally admit that soccer sucks?
I heard they're going to be opening up dentist offices in Walmart. They are even including an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less!
anybody else hoping to see John Hinckley Jr at the next Hillary rally?
Word of the day - MACROVERBUMSCIOLIST -Someone who pretends to know a word, then secretly looks it up.
Facebook is the perfect tool for keeping in touch with people that you lost touch with for very good reasons. 