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Kathy Griffins next show will be "What ever happened to..." 
I hate when I pack on an extra twenty pounds for an upcoming movie roll and then I remember I'm not an actor.
They're bringing back the federal government for a limited time, like it's the McRib.
Why storm Area 51 at all? Just dress up like an ailen and wander around outside the fence. They'll catch you and take you inside.
If people try to tell you money doesn't buy happiness - they're wrong. It does.
.... If you own a Tesla and it gets stolen .... Is it then called an Edison?
Trust me, don't get Guinea Pigs. They're a lot of work for relatively little meat.
Britain: Now that you're no longer part of Europe, can you finally admit that soccer sucks?
I heard they're going to be opening up dentist offices in Walmart. They are even including an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less!
anybody else hoping to see John Hinckley Jr at the next Hillary rally?
Has somebody tried giving 2020 a Snickers?
If anyone is going to be alone for Thanksgiving this year please let me know. I need to borrow some chairs.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
As a driver, I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian, I hate drivers. But no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to a bicycle.
Gov't shutdown? Yippee! I'm collecting rainwater for my garden before they reopen and fine me!!
One small step for man... One giant leap for Danny DeVito.
After a Nation Wide Survey we have determined that there were actually 3% more Cleveland Indian fans than Cubs fans. We hereby demand that the Chicago Cubs relinquish their World Series Title!!! ..... Said no sane person ever.
A very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Why in the hell is 2016 letting Kanye West live? 