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When gas stations start charging for air--that's inflation 
It has been proven that girls with profile picture of them selves in the mirror are more likely to send nudes.
When you get angry start counting to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that.
fake freckles and pigtails doesnt necessarily make a 40 year old "barely legal"
I bet Australian storm chasers are bummed out when they realize it's just another Tasmanian devil.
According to chain messages, I should've died 18 times, been raped twice, been cut 10 times.
I hate it when I'm drinking a beverage and as I'm tipping the glass the ice cubes suddenly shift causing a mini tsunami that washes over my upper lip. I need one of those early warning buoys in my tea. Either that or a bib.
Unlike Rudolph, I don't have to visit the Island of Misfit Toys this Christmas. I work there.
Sleeping naked is good. Waking up next to that special someone is even better
I just got fired, but the boss wrote me a really nice recommendation letter. He wrote, “If you get (this guy) to work for you, you'll be lucky!”
I'm only going to waste 23 hours tomorrow.
As a fast driver, I have certain rules when I come to a red light intersection with two or more lanes. In order of importance: Never get behind a: 1) A semi, bus or large truck, 2) Drivers with grey hair, 3) A Prius (or other hybrid), and 4) A mini van
Without Facebook, I probably wouldn't have wished you a happy birthday. ツ
Civil war divides Libya into Libya Majora and Libya Minora.
Punxutawney Phil came back out today and wrote a message in the snow. It said, "April Fools!!"
If HP made weapons there would be no wars because the stupid ammo would cost more than the guns.
If you're an idiot, punch yourself in the face!
No matter how funny you are, If I don't like you, I won't laugh.
It's going to take a lot more than a few “LIKES” on my Facebook page to make me forget what an ass you were in high school.
Sometimes it's like my wife and I aren't even related. 