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I'm awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time... 
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Dude just told me that he's washing his hands more because of that "Coca-Cola virus."
25 days on lock down and I feel lazier than the guy who created the Japanese flag
I’ll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day! Almost on Monday Almost on Tuesday Almost on Wednesday Almost on Thursday Almost on Friday Almost on Saturday Almost on Sunday.!
Lots of mothers are gonna be surprised when their Mother's Day gift is a barrel of oil
I spend most of my time resenting people who never had to use a typewriter.
Ninety percent of being a dog is not realizing your own tail is your own tail.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I like holding doors open for people who aren’t close and watch them do that goofy power walk.
My boyfriend and I broke up, but at least we'll still be cousins.
ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK
Well, all the leaves are off my trees so I guess I'll have to pee inside from now on...
The guy who created the Big Mac has passed away at the age of 98. Michael Delligatti ate at least one Big Mac every week for decades yet lived to be 98. I have one thing to say about this..."KALE, YOU BIG FAT LIAR!!!"
New N.S.A. Watchlist: People who hurt my feelings on Twitter.
After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear today.
Q: Why there are bomb blasts in Pakistan?
A: The terrorists have opted to 'work from home' policy.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It's really a cold water heater. 