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Volunteering in times of crisis is good. I just called the local strip club to call me immediately if they lose power. I'm ready to help out. 
Cesar Millan is amazing as The Dog Whisperer but I'm not gonna be really impressed until a show called "Rebellious Teenager Whisperer" comes out.
I attend wedding simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."open bar"
Certain people think they are way more important then they actually are. Especially where I work.
I'm the type of person who would spend 20 years becoming a judge, just so ONE person could be all, "You can't judge me!" And I'm like, "Bull$hit."
Due to inclimte weather, all shenanigans are cancelled until further notice
I cut my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire.
Stop taking pictures of yourself in the bathroom... It's never sexy to pose where you poop!!
silence is golden, but duct tape is all kinds of cool colors now!
Only Steve Jobs Could Bite An APPLE & Keep It Fresh For 3 Decades. R.I.P Steve Jobs
Daylight savings is the lamest form of time travel.
Big sunglasses are an ugly girl's best friend
I wonder if Tommy Lee, Tom Jones, and Tommy Lee Jones all get each other's mail.
Why didn't Beyonce and Jay-Z name their kid B-Jay?
If this picture of me running a red light is going to cost me $350, they coulda added a dragon and put it in a pirate ship frame.
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
Hey A Rod, the steroids must've clouded your memory. It seems you've forgotten you're a douche...
It's so hot outside,, that other people's balls are sticking to my legs.
Holy s$it Karma, how much longer till we’re all squared up?
Red Hot Chilli Peppers nailed it. "Give it away" pretty much summarizes the first half. 