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I would have a lot more sex if it weren’t so expensive. 
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair.
if you're absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present during my success.
god I was so late for work today that I was almost early for my next shift
: It's Halloween. Let's see how many women in costumes I mistake for prostitutes...
confused as a Amish guy at Best Buy.
Stans' Rule #39: When showering at a guest house and your not 100% sure about the towel, DON'T dry your face. Doing so may lead to resentful feelings of said guest!
You call it leftovers, I call it fine dining for at least a week.
Dear Winter, I am breaking up with you. It's not me, it's you, you make me miserable. I think it's time I start seeing other seasons.
my head says no, my heart says yes an my stomach say cheesebruger no pickles, with jus a lil bit of mustard...
Spongebob is no longer living in his pineapple under the sea. He's kicking it in my tub. It's gonna take a while to get the oil off he says.
stayed up half the night waiting for this special lunar eclipse everyone was all excited about...only to find out it was some silly movie. Now I'm tired too...
if Paul the octopus was so smart, he wouldn't have been captured in the first place.
So many input boxes. Ever go to search for a girl on facebook and set her name as your status instead? Me either."
The good thing about being 6' 1" is that no one will see my bald patch... Unless you're using Google Earth...
On our 1st date she wanted to take me to a strip club, but I wasn't ready to meet her mother.
found $20 under my bed ! my God, my room is so desperate to be cleaned, it's paying me. THE PLAN WORKED
My wife said I was gaining weight....I said " Duhhhh ! " ..... I used to be 8lbs, 6 ozs
Women are like newspapers, you should really get your own and stop borrowing your neighbor's.
getting a 1 bedroom apartment and a cat in May. Or, as I like to call it, the "Serial Killer Starter Kit." 