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carrying groceries to the house the other night, when Justin Bieber played on my mp3 player. Had to bang my head on the trunk until my earphones fell out. 
7 out of 10 England Fans think England will win the World Cup 2010. . . . the other 3 aren't drunk yet!
Him: For every cigarette you smoke I breathe in 50% of the smoke you do. Me: If that's the case, you owe me for a half a pack of cigarettes.
Scrw you recommended serving size. You don't know me.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be "Beaten to death with a selfie stick"
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
Nice try "blocked" number, but I don't even answer the phone for people I know.
Maybe Beyonce should have put a NuvaRing on it.
St. Patrick 1 - me 0
If you watch Godzilla vs. King Kong you really need to upgrade from basic cable.
Lazy Rule #23 :No Shower Is Needed, If your Not Going Anywhere...
Fellaz, when a woman offers you gum, it means she want to kiss you later. Don't take it as an insult, just take the gum.
No one can change a person, but someone can be a person`s reason to change
No one will be making fun of Chaz Bono, when Nancy Grace has a wardrobe malfunction on Dancing with the Stars and her Johnson pops out.
What you don't know won't hurt you, what you know will often hurt you, what you suspect will hurt you more and when what you suspect becomes what you know, it kills you without a doubt.
Just got fired from SuperCuts for suggesting we change our name to 'Shut the hell up. You're at the Mall. What did you Expect?''
A dog ask a cat, "why do you always make love in secret?" The cat answers, "coz we don't want humans to copy us like they did to you dogs"
If the cops don't know about your man beating you, I shouldn't either.
If at least one ex hasn't called you psycho, you aren't living life to the fullest.
Christopher Walken talks like he swallowed too many commas. 