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The best relationships are the ones where the other person makes you so f*cking h*rny you can't remember why they've made you so p*ssed off. 
Still in my Y2K bunker. Have they given the all clear yet? Running out of beans.
I don't think I've ever seen a Mexican midget. I bet they're all just having a hard time making it over the fence
Time does not heal all wounds. Case in point, leave a gunshot wound untreated and see where that lands you.
I thought at this stage of my life, I would have at least one concubine.
Before you send me an invite to your event, please familiarise yourself with my diva demands.
You can burn calories by having sex! Related: Looking for a workout partner.
A good drinking game; watch Wheel of Fortune and do a shot for every time they applause.
We ignore those who need us and need those who ignore us....
Shouting "Ewok porn!" during a brainstorming session is neither "productive" nor "funny" apparently.
If Facebook really wanted to entertain us, they'd make it a requirement for people to share their "mental status" in addition to each new status update.
That high horse you think you're sitting on, is really a low donkey.
I was good at math, until they decided to start mixing in the alphabet too.
If you put more money into the car than you did those 23's, you might not be broke down on the side of the road.
Sometimes I feel like I'm possessed by an old Jewish lady. Especially when paying for something.
I'm beginning to have serious doubts that anyone ever called Steve Miller "the space cowboy."
I've done more today than I've done in 4 years.
I have planned to be very spontaneous today
Sheesh, The Heat hasn't been this bad since the NBA finals.
Just heard about the death of one of the biggest stars of our time. We all knew they had it coming with the pale white skin and slits for a nose, they'll be greatly missed. RIP Voldemort... 