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awake ❒ asleep ❒ concious but hung over ✔ 
People never say, "Boy that was sure a great Ben Affleck movie".
thinks Apple needs a device that emits warning signals that a loser is approaching...call it the iPutz.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people............
So remember, ,, for every action,,,,, there is an equal and opposite social media overreaction
Lorena Bobbitt moved to Russia. Her new name is Ivana Kutchacokov.
Scrolling thru my feed it looks like an advertisement for Aqua fresh toothpaste.
The protest in Baltimore ended today when the protesters found out they weren't getting paid.
All females have 50 screenshoted quotes ready for when the sh*t goes down..
Paying taxes is why middle class America can't have nice things
There goes Honey Boo Boo. America's collective IQ just rose by .00124%.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
I just plugged in a USB cord on the first try. Some lucky lady is in for a treat tonight.
When an old enemy cannot harm you, they'll try to become your friend so they can destroy you.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together. I sh!t you knot.
"Yep, I definitely have Herpes." -least stolen Facebook Status update, probably.
Chicken Pot Pie my 3 favorite things!
My hamster died today. He fell asleep at the wheel.
You can unfollow me on Twitter, unfriend me on Facebook, take down all our Instagram pics, and ignore all my texts, but you will never be able to unlick my butthole.
I'm smart enough to know the markets clearly see the Biden/Harris administration is working to inhibit U.S. oil production, which has the effect of tightening the global market. Stopping the pipeline reinforced that belief. 45 was right. 