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I once had the best job in the world.. I'll I was mandated to do was homework and be home before the street lights.. Best benefits ever 
Washes entire car with the squeegee at the gas pump
When her toes start throwing up gang signs, you know you've hit the right spot.
I'm not saying your baby is ugly, I'm just wondering which end the food goes in..
I support the death penalty, but only for the most heinous and unforgivable crimes like murder, rape or breast reduction surgery.
You know you're watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear "May the Force be with you," you hear, "And also with you."
I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
Tell a girl a million times shes not fat... She'll never believe you... Call her fat once she'll never forget it. Elephants never forget..
Do strippers in the southern hemisphere spin around poles in the opposite direction as strippers in the northern hemisphere?
I've met some pricks in my life, but you sir are a fcuking Cactus.
I'm "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don't trust my farts anymore" years old.
Police Officer: 'TURN AROUND" Me: *sings* "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and your're never coming round"
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can't be friends.
Hand sanitizer?? No thanks, I let my kids eat dirt when they were little so now they have no allergies.
Marriage vows should include no bringing up crap that happened 8 years ago.
Most problems can be solved with Nudity
I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor
Miguel Cabrera from the Detroit Tigers signed a 300 million dollar contract... He's worth more than the city of Detroit!
I've officially met everyone's mother yesterday via Facebook so I'm pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies 