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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end. 
Tell a girl a million times shes not fat... She'll never believe you... Call her fat once she'll never forget it. Elephants never forget..
Do strippers in the southern hemisphere spin around poles in the opposite direction as strippers in the northern hemisphere?
I've met some pricks in my life, but you sir are a fcuking Cactus.
I'm "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don't trust my farts anymore" years old.
Police Officer: 'TURN AROUND" Me: *sings* "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and your're never coming round"
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can't be friends.
Hand sanitizer?? No thanks, I let my kids eat dirt when they were little so now they have no allergies.
Marriage vows should include no bringing up crap that happened 8 years ago.
Most problems can be solved with Nudity
I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor
Miguel Cabrera from the Detroit Tigers signed a 300 million dollar contract... He's worth more than the city of Detroit!
I've officially met everyone's mother yesterday via Facebook so I'm pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
Never tell your wife she is just like her mother, even if it's true.
Some couples hold hands because theyre afraid that if they let go theyd kill each other
For some reason people drive by and laugh at you when you are sitting in the front of your boat using your laptop while the boat is in the driveway..It was to nice of a day not to be out in the boat. Just never made it to the lake. :)
If your a Vegetarian to be nice to animals, why are you eating there food
i like to say a BIG HAPPY CHRISTMAS to the person who dropped money on the floor today.thank you
Textaphrenia- Hearing or feeling vibrations from texts that dpnt exist.. 