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Realized I’ve never seen gloves in someone’s glove compartment, and now nothing makes sense anymore 
I'm not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
I'm surprised the back of soy milk cartons don't have missing hipster children.
I'm white, but I'm not 'buy a Christmas gift for the Mailman' white.
I post political status on Facebook just to watch my friends battle each other like it's The Crips Vs Bloods...
Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck
Boil an egg and put in on a plate in front of a kid and they will gag... Color it blue and put stripes on it and hide it in the sand box and they will fist fight over it..
I love Easter. My unborn children get to play find the egg tonight.
I like to ask the waiter, "What do you recommend?" then stare him down while I order something completely different.
What's the deal with people who hit you up on the chat, then take twenty minutes to type their responses? DELETE.
The longer you stare at the phone before picking the call...The bigger is the lie you tell after picking it up...
I just watched some of the highlights from this years Oscars and I am bit baffled as to why the winners receive an action figure of C-3PO from Star Wars?
Call me delta airlines, cause I cant handle your extra baggage
Take a moment to remember all the Elves that got laid off this holiday season.
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
my alarm clock is covered in fur, has 4 legs, a wet tongue-and NO snooze button! :b
My heart goes out to all those Frustrated people who are Stuck in Traffic, on their way to the Gym to ride Stationary Bicycles...
Out of all the lies I've ever told, "Just kidding" is my favourite.
Skills can be taught. Character you either have or you don't have.
Mike's Hard Lemonade is basically Kool-Aid with a squirt of Purell in it. 