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loves it when a parent only has pictures of their kids as profile pictures and none of themselves. You can never be too careful these days. 
what's the difference between frog and a horny toad? A frog says ribbit, and a horny toad says rub it!
Nice try Bruce, but nobody over the age of 11 is named "Caitlyn"
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
Pro tip: buy the cheap vodka and run it through your Brita water filter a few times..
My Uber driver almost crashed twice. 5 stars. Very exciting.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Did you know the Boeing 767 is made up of 3.1 million parts from 800 manufacturers who were the lowest bidder. Anyways...have safe flights over the Thanksgiving holiday
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
I'm glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn't do the whole dictionary
This bar doesn't know it yet, but it's about to be karaoke night.
$764 for a round trip airline ticket. I hope they don't go broke giving me 3 ounces of Sprite and 5 peanuts!!
I'm not an economist, but I think I could make a lot of money selling drugs.
I don't care how awesome your cat is, you're just someone with a box full of $hit in your house.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
to honor thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home. He must really want me to have a good time because he called and said don't come in tomorrow.
Dear Life...Would you at least start using lubricant....
After getting an astronomical quote from my mechanic, I am going to try the ABS challenge. That's where I drive my car without anti lock breaks, until someone donates for me to get it fixed!
went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn't find any 