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Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was. 
iPhone users update:- I'll screenshot it, I'll tweet about it, I'll Instagram it, I'll write a blog about it, I'll delete half of my contents for it, I'll get enraged about it.Android users update:- *clicks update, gets on with life*
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
Dad, you are like a father to me.
She didn't find, "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?!?", as funny as I did...
I never eat in hospital cafeterias. I'm always afraid they'll try to poison me to amp up business.
I would like to take this time to thank everyone for our VICTORY against global warming. Well done, everyone, well done.......
I'm at Camp Crystal Lake, being followed by this huge guy in a hockey mask holding a machete. He must be following us to make sure we're safe. Gee, what a nice guy.
somewhere in Alaska, Sarah Palin is asking, "Who died?"
Remember , the Grass is not always Greener on the other side!!! Unless your neighbors are"Cheech & Chong"
I met an old Air Force guy. He said the first time he was gonna jump out of a plane he was scared. He said the Captain told him to jump, or he'd stick his d**k where the "sun don't shine". I go, "Did you jump?" He said, "A little."
The best things in life are free until the government finds out and taxes it.
Got damn shame, the cast of '16 and Pregnant' are the future cast of '32 and Grandparents'
Best of luck to Ja Rule today as he enters Ja il.
Thought I was having deja-vu but it turns out I do the exact same things every day
ME: "I wanted to marry you but my family members refused: HER: "Who are they to deny our love?" ME: "My wife and 2 kids"
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
When I start thinking to myself that I want a girlfriend I just turn on The View and put the volume on max. It snaps me back to reality
My GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time" I see "Time to Beat" 