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I used to have faith in humanity...then I stepped into Wal-Mart. 
I am willing to promise my kids anything just so they go away for a while. I learned that trick from the government.
If you can tell I'm drunk, you need to catch up.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear... What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
50 Shades of Grey..Girls can't wait to read it and Guys can't wait for the movie!
Your restaurant's policy regarding how the wait staff behaves when it's a customer's birthday tells me whether or not I'll ever eat there again
When I get old, I don't want people thinking, "what a sweet old lady..." I want them to worry, "I hope she's not armed..."
"I'm gonna need to crunch some numbers" is a good answer to any question when you've zoned out and aren't sure what they said
stuck at work – and by “stuck” I mean drinking and by “work” I mean sitting in the recliner!
Some people say I dream too much, I say its just because my life is better than their dreams are.
An old lady at the park said to me today, "I see your dog's fetching balls."I said, "I know he has but, at your age, you shouldn't really be looking."
What do you mean you can't deliver pizza to a pillow fort?!?
I am going shopping today. Well, I don't wanna go but this girl I'm stalking is on her way there so I have no choice.
I didn't sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
"I enjoy long walks on the b!tch." - a flea's online dating profile.
You'd think that two religions with such fierce hatreds of Pork might find more to agree on.
Sometimes I text my mom just because the thought of her staring puzzled at her phone trying to find her texts is difficult to resist
Have they invented a cure for morning people yet?
I said "Just gimme the usual" to the waitress at a restaurant I've never been to. And now I wait...
Harold Camping should star in Southwest Airlines next "Want To Get Away" commercial. 