Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Your restaurant's policy regarding how the wait staff behaves when it's a customer's birthday tells me whether or not I'll ever eat there again 
When I get old, I don't want people thinking, "what a sweet old lady..." I want them to worry, "I hope she's not armed..."
"I'm gonna need to crunch some numbers" is a good answer to any question when you've zoned out and aren't sure what they said
stuck at work – and by “stuck” I mean drinking and by “work” I mean sitting in the recliner!
Some people say I dream too much, I say its just because my life is better than their dreams are.
An old lady at the park said to me today, "I see your dog's fetching balls."I said, "I know he has but, at your age, you shouldn't really be looking."
What do you mean you can't deliver pizza to a pillow fort?!?
I am going shopping today. Well, I don't wanna go but this girl I'm stalking is on her way there so I have no choice.
I didn't sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
"I enjoy long walks on the b!tch." - a flea's online dating profile.
You'd think that two religions with such fierce hatreds of Pork might find more to agree on.
Harold Camping should star in Southwest Airlines next "Want To Get Away" commercial.
i am in no shape to exercise
My "We had to walk 5 miles uphill in the snow just to get to school" story will be about it taking 4 hours to download an mp3 with a 28k modem in 1995.
Car dealerships: it doesn't matter how many balloons you put on the cars, I'm not going to randomly decide to pull in and buy one.
I think at this point, the Beastie Boys are more concerned about Medicare coverage. Than the right to party
When writing a resume, it's much more valuable to say you are an expert at "replicate and repurpose functionality" than "copy and paste."
Dear Alaska, please refrain from gifting your weather next year.
being colourblind doesn't stop me enjoying life. the other night I saw joseph and his amazing brown coat . it was great .
I'm really bored but too lazy to do anything about it. 