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Dear Scotland, if you choose to go it alone we dont want drunken texts in a few months time saying what a huge mistake it was. Yours England 
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
Coffee so black,, it's boycotting the Oscars.
Robert Kardashian was OJ Simpson's lawyer....thus began the family tradition of getting black men off.
If you don't die at the end of your Facebook movie, I'm not interested.
Haters are like crickets… they make a lot of noise, you can hear them, but you can't see them… when you walk right by them, they suddenly get quiet.
5 minutes into America's Got Talent and I learned we don't have talent, we have a bunch of delusional idiots that don't want real jobs.
My 3yo asked where the bathroom was at the park because he had to pee. I said Son,,, you're a boy....The world is your toilet..
“Leftover Bacon” – a phrase you've never heard before.
When you were little it was "Stop, look, and listen before you cross the street." As you get older it's more like "I'm crossing the street now. If you hit me I will sue you."
If ever you get sad, think of a T-Rex trying to masturbate
No officer I wasn't texting, that's dangerous. I was checking my Facebook.
I told my GF I was buying her some diamonds for her birthday. She said that nothing would please her more. So I got her nothing.
Saw a lady with back boobs at the beach. People with back boobs should wear backini's.
It would be really convenient if Christmas decorations grew on trees.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"?
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.
Phoned up my neighbour this morning to tell him that his Pekingese made a big mess in my front yard. Also, that he owes me a new lawn mower blade.
It's so cold out the hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks to blow on your hands.
How many Oreos is too many?,,,,,,, Is it 25?,,,,,,,,,,, I feel like it should be more than 25 