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Have you guys ever noticed the months July, August, September, October and November spell out the name JASON???? Have I discovered something kinda like the Da Vinci Code??! 
I picked up my new iPhone today.......nah, just kidding......my droid had that technology two years ago
that moment when you step into your car after work and unleash the thousands of farts you've been holding in all day
ladies just so you know when you are wearing yoga pants all we are looking at is the outline of your pu$$y..
Never hit a woman. No matter how bad the sandwich is.
I'm pissed. Somebody stole my 330 million dollars!
I dont even call it a hangover anymore. I just call it ''morning''.
Don't go 4 looks; they can deceive. Don't go 4 wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and then a diet coke?
Go deep throat a cactus.
The supreme court is just like regular court but with sour cream.
Celebrating today's unemployment news is like getting excited about all the open tables in the Titanic's dining room, the media appears to be pretending the unemployment rate dropped for some reason other than holiday seasonal staffing.
I'll complain about the government invading my privacy,Right after I'm done telling you where I am and what I'm doing on Facebook, and as soon as I post this picture of what I'm eating on Instagram.
Kindness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.
Guys... Controlling your woman when she is mad is easy... Just tell her she's overreacting. She will then realize you're right and calm right down.
How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
The Kardashians turned Scott into an alcoholic, Lamar into a crackhead, and Bruce into a woman. I can't wait to see what they do to Kanye...
A Man who treats his lady like a Princess was surely brought up in teh hands of a QUEEN!
Life may not always give us chances, but it always gives us choices. 