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*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let's get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!” 
There's an app for everything today except premature ejaculation but I hear that it's coming soon
When a midget smokes weed does he get high? Or medium?
Life is like a pen!s: simple, relaxed and hanging freely. It's women who make it hard.
Every time someone clears their browser history there should be a little voice that says "good move.
Great..now the lamest sports slogan ever WHO DAT will never die..
I don't understand the whole gay marriage debate. Why would they want to ruin a perfectly good relationshp by getting married?
The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro.
just became the president of A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.- All American Association Against Acronym And Abbreviation Abuse Anonymous
♫♫♪♪ It's the most... wonderful time... for a beer ♪♪♫♫
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
Think of a number between 68 and 70....
Don't shop when hungry. Don't date when horny. Don't update your status when drunk
They should put Harriet Tubman on the EBT card instead
I’ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason.
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
a girl takes dress to the dyrcleaners & asks for it be cleaned. The man is a bit deaf & says come again, Girl blushes and says no this time its yogurt!!!
Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.
4 shots of 5 hour energy this morning, not only do I look like I have Parkinsons, but I can actually see sound waves resonating when people talk to me.
do me a favor if anyone sees that groundhog today PLEASE shoot that little s*** !!!!! 