Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

   I was wearing glasses before it was a Snapchat filter...I'm a trendsetter

   Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

   'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be

   I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.

   Auto-correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   Telling someone they shouldn't be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn't be happy because others have it better.

   The Wizard of Oz is 78 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage she wouldn't be in Oz. She'd be in Congress.

   My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

   I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes on Maury Povich.

   I walked into a room where men were wearing capes, expecting great things. Then I see that it is a barbershop.

   Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.

   Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

   Thanks to the Super Bowl, I use Roman Numeral's at least once a year. Still more than I use algebra.

   Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but most of you here, just gargled.

   The fatter the man, the more Hawaiian the shirt.

   I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.

   My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is

   I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

   So irritating that my kid gets a text to tell him school is closed for snow day. He should have to stare at the news channel crawl for 45 minutes like I did