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Anal bleaching; because you never get a second chance to make a first impression. 
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can't have ice cream for breakfast. . .
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler's speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I'll just leave it there. I'm not hiding who I am anymore.
Not sure of what I fear more, getting the stomach flu, or watching another mud smearing political commercial. Funny how both those things involve nausea and vomiting.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Tonight seems like the perfect night to stay home, pop up some popcorn, veg in front of the TV and watch Ferguson burn to the ground.
ME TEXTING: Be there in 5 minutes... If I'm not there in 5 minutes, read this text again
Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home
There is always that one person whose friend request you regret ever accepting.
on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
My boss reminds me of a caged bird. He comes out flapping and squawking, sh*ts on everything and leaves.
How come changing the channel doesn't get these damn Kardashians off of the tv?
Process of liking a song: 1 Day: I love this song! 1 Week: Hey that song's good. 1 Month: Turn that s$it off! 1 Year: OMG, I love this song!
Dont be jealous of me... If you had to walk a mile in my shoes, you'd probably need a year of therapy
The Men's Warehouse guy is going to die of lung cancer. I guarantee it.
n't Breaking Dawn already a movie starring Ron Jeremy?
The best way to watch the new Adam Sandler film 'Jack & Jill' is to rip it to DVD, let it play on your TV, and then set your house on fire.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
I've just bought a 3D Kindle. Or a book as I like to call it. 