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There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.. 
Fergison Mo. BLACK FRIDAY GHETTO STYLE!!!!
The best part of hooking up with a MILF is leaving in the morning with a juice box and fruit rollups.
The new breakup line: "It's not you. It's your timeline."
My phone changed the word calendar to "cake radar." Now I'm sad that I don't have that
Tonight on ABC World Wide: Police raid Biebers house, find whole slew of drugs, but no talent...
I don’t mind holding my wife’s purse. It’s the only time I get to be close to my balls.
I wonder if celebrities take Facebook quiz to see which non famous person they are? "You are Patrcia Smith. A janitor from Bridger, Montana!"
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
There's nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can't cure.
Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out & my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.
I had a dream last night that I killed all those shirtless guys with "swag" and their duckface girlfriends too. It was the Yolocaust.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
My pet peeve: ketchup bottle precum
I ate so much Chinese food this week I can feel my d ick getting smaller. Related: eating fried chicken all next week.
The worst sight in the world is...SEEING YOUR MOTHER CRY.
Note to self: thanks for always being there.
if rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
They say Taco Bell tacos aren't really Mexican. Well if it does the job at half the price... then it can't be any more Mexican that that!!!
2 doctors are laying in bed after having sex.Guy says "You must be an gyno' because you can work that p*ssy." The woman says "You must be an anesthesiologist because I didn't feel a thing." 