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Feels sorry for K-9 drug sniffin dogs on their day off.....what do you mean we're not going to work....you don't understand mannnnn. 
People will always have an opinion about you. Whether positive or negative. They will tell you to your face or behind your back. Do what makes you happy. Live your life to the fullest. Life is too short to worry about someone's opinions.
since the world is ending on saturday you should send pictures of your breasts now before it's too late.
Charlie Sheen was asked to take a drug test. His response.. "Sure, what drug do you want me to test?"
Hello Mr. Monster Truck tailgating me with your superbright halogen headlights... I can make my break lights brighter... wanna see?
I had no idea my woman had 61 boyfriends before me, but she must have. I just wish she wouldn't refer to me as her sixty-second lover.
"Lets eat Grandpa" - "Lets eat, Grandpa" - Moral of the story? Commas save lives......
My phone auto-corrected "haha" to "hahahaha" -- um, yea it was funny, but let's keep our pants on.
I can't believe that one of Michael Jackson's Doctors is on trial..........and it's not his plastic surgeon!
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I've been referring to the office as "ruthless".
Don't judge you by you looks? Kinda hard when you have 50 tattoos, 30 pierceings, a stupid haircut, and a shirt that says you hate me.
I swear girls these days. Some of them wake up with a higher sperm count than the men
Bi&ches take pictures with bra and panties and post it for a million strangers to see. Then say they wifey material, no bi&ch you strip club material..
Whenever I see a big guy beating up a little guy I ALWAYS jump in to help cause there is NO WAY the little guy can take us both.
Imagine being a midget at Subway and not knowing what they're putting on your sandwich.
Okay, women, so it's: Be nice, but not too nice; be sweet, but not a wuss; & take control, but don't control you? Got it! (I don't got it)
Seriously guys, if you want a woman to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you guys need to learn to a save a tree and eat a beaver.
I'm hungrier than a Floridian Zombie!
Bud Light with lime??? What's the primary target demographic for that? Rednecks with scurvy?
Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to lay on my kitchen floor and pretend I'm a crumb. 