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That One Direction tour bus must be a living hell when they get their periods at the same time. 
You lose yourself trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about losing you.
I don't understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
Can someone help me, I can't remember,,, Did Sarah Jessica Parker get an Oscar for seabiscuit?
My daughter asked me to help her with her math homework so I had to sit her down and explain that breast implants are way easier than math.
Dominos: “We spent 3 years perfecting our pan pizza dough.” Dude, its flour and water…
If Lance Armstrong and Oprah was ever to have a baby they would name it Dope-rah
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there's a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy's laptop.
I like people how I like my coffee... I don't like coffee
DAUGHTER : “I am in love with the neighbor, so I am running away with him.” DAD: “How is he going to take care of you when he doesn't even have a job?” DAUGHTER: “Dad, I am only reading the letter left by Mom.”
I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.
Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office.
Let my friends talk me into smokin "chronic" for the first time last night but I prob. should've skipped my Ambien dose. Apparently, I started and completed my first book.."101 Ways to Prepare Succulent Penguin"...I didn't even know you could eat Penguin
thinking of spending the cab money on more shots and just taking the ambulance home
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
I live in an apartment with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer
I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster. Now it doesn't work.
The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster 