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Happy 11 White History Months 
This Christmas, let's put misteltoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our ass!
If I ever saw an amputee being hanged,,,,, I'm pretty sure I'd just start yelling out letters
Seen a baby wearing a shirt saying; "Santa doesn't exist, but that's okay, because I can't read."
Finally something positive about Charlie Sheen...
When the lady at Walmart with 5 screaming children all under the age of 8 wants to know how the condoms got in her cart @ checkout ... I will just say Your Welcome!
I like to think that every time firemen get a call they're like "Yaaay! We get to ride in the truck!" then they laugh & tickle each other
Awesome idea: On Halloween, order a pizza to get delivered to your house When the delivery guy gets there, pretend you think he's a trick or treater and comment on how he looks like a real delivery person. Give him candy.
Always watch your step on an escalator. I once tripped and fell down the stairs for an hour and a half
You lose the right of being a man when you hit a woman
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I'm possessed by the devil is not funny.
I got 2 chickens to paralyze. Thanks Eddy Money for getthing that song into my head this morning. On a side note, I'm getting hungry for KFC.
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
It is like we are always electing stupid people to be our president but I'm glad we are finally getting rid of Obama
A real man will always find time for his woman, even if it means blowing off a date with his mistress.
It's so cold outside my nipples just typed this status.
No no NO! The lace pillows go ON TOP of the pink ones, THEN the clown doll. Jesus Christ. It's like you've never made a bed before. - My next ex-girlfriend
"Kidnapping" is such a strong word... I prefer to say "surprise adoption."
I told a lady in the elevator this morning that I think she drew her eyebrows on to high. She looked suprised.
Go down a waterslide while it isn't wet and then you'll underdstand why foreplay is so important. - That's what she said. 