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TSA: Sir, you can't bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight... Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest? 
I remember back in the 80s,,, BEFORE the Internet really existed,, that MTV used to randomly Rick Roll everyone.
YOLO is solely responsible for 75% of all teen pregnancies this year.
"It's not you, it's me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
How To Satisfy Fast Food Cravings: 1) Grab a handful of almonds. 2) Step off the building.
Marriage is essentially peeing with the door open and asking "What do you want for dinner?"
To me everyday is Talk Like A Pirate Day and that's why I'm in between jobs right now.
Me asking someone out on a date is a lot like them wanting a Coke and I ask "Is Pepsi okay?"
Plan a romantic evening but instead of rose petals sprinkle a path of grated cheese to the bedroom.
There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
All I know about love I've learned from my dogs, which is when someone scratches your back you should roll over and show them your nipples.
She's Like the Wind is my favorite romantic ballad about a beautiful young girl who farts a lot.
Do they make Three Martini Lunchables?
If you don't post it, how will anyone else get to read it?
I'm tired of making me happy. Someone else needs to take a turn.
In the 90s, we had scaredies: group photos where one person looked afraid the stranger taking the picture was going to steal their camera.
People in my office act like they've never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she’s worth a shot
Tall people know what's up. 