Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
For all you people worrying about toilet paper, you could use your finger. You would be more likely to wash your hands, and less likely to touch your face. Hope this helps... 
Doctor Cathy told me I was really sweet. Well, she actually said I am severely diabetic but I knew what she meant.
If they are taking all the letters of the alphabet, what will we use?
My behavior during the Pandemic should earn me the Nobel Peace Prize
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I went to the store to buy some invisible tape but I didn't see any.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum*
If you are ugly with pretty eyes, this is your moment.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Tag every baby photo you see on on Facebook as Verne Troyer.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I'm looking at the bright side of having 10 people or less over for Thanksgiving. More turkey for me!
If rubbing toast crumbs off your face counts as exfoliating, then yes, I exfoliate every day.
If you don't post it, how will anyone else get to read it?
I'm tired of making me happy. Someone else needs to take a turn.
In the 90s, we had scaredies: group photos where one person looked afraid the stranger taking the picture was going to steal their camera.
People in my office act like they've never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she’s worth a shot 