lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Makeup can make you look pretty on the outside. But it doesn't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup.

   90% of men like to masturbate. The other 10% don't have arms.

   Farmville? Meh..just wake me up when they launch "Margaritaville"..

   ..to me, a Super Bowl is one that's full of snacks that I don't have to share.

   Stepping in some water barefoot in the kitchen, not so bad.Stepping in some water with socks on, bloody catastrophic.

   Happy 234th Birthday,America! :)

   ..is having car problems. The car won't start and the payments won't stop.

   Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

   At least Tiger Woods was being truthful when he told his wife every morning that he was off to play 18 holes.

   ..thinks her computer is so slow, it must be running Windows B.C...

   If you work for British Airways & have been on strike this week, next time you see a soldier/airman/sailor who's returned from Operations in Afghanistan make sure you tell him/her about your awful working conditions, poor uniform & low pay. Good luck.

   At the beach life is different. Time doesn't move hour to hour but mood to moment. We live by the currents, plan by the tides and follow the sun.

   They keep telling me that the right person will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck.

   I asked my psychiatrist the other day if she thought I was crazy. She said, "No", so I put the flamethrower down.

   I rear-ended a car this morning. Slowly the other driver got out of his car. And he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you,then?"

   Disney World : A people's trap operated by a mouse.

   I should really stop confusing sign language for kung-fu.

   Can Atheists get insurance for Acts of God?

   After my divorce, I realised that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.

   Charlie Sheen is really coming to the defense of Lindsay Lohan. In fact, he's set up a website asking the media to leave her alone. The site is doing great, it's received almost as many hits as his wife.