Baddie Funny Status Messages

   If I've learned anything from movies, it's that most murder cases are only solved after a detective is suspended but ignores the suspension.

   You just don't know what awkward is until you call out your wife's name while having sex with her sister.

   How much for the survival kit? Sir, that's an iPhone charger.

   Ultimate act of defiance, finishing your FB status update while your Boss waits at your desk!

   No, whenever there's trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

   I bet Ke$ha's parents, €arl and £inda, are super ashamed of her.

   Hitchhikers won't kill you if you kill them first.

   I don't even pick up the soap after I drop it in my own shower. There's just something about me I don't trust.

   Question: If men get "c*ck-blocked" do women get "beaver-dammed"?

   some people build walls to see who cares enough to bring them down, others build walls because they’re in the construction industry.

   “we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.

   The difference between love and lust is one letter: hotel vs. motel

   Was Sharknado made just so they could finish off a reel?

   I put on my pants just like everyone else around here, reluctantly.

   Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

   Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don't have to see, touch, or smell them.

   Oops, It slipped, wrong hole! But since I'm already here..... - MEN

   blunt so fat it swims with a shirt on

   Strangers who think it's okay to just have a random chat with me is what's wrong with the world today.

   Not all accidents are destiny, but all girls named Destiny were accidents.