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Computer glitch at LAX causes passenger to catch flight quickly & unmolested.... 
Here's hoping Kanye's next surprise cancellation will be "Keeping Up with the Kardashians."
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Pro Tip: If you leave your house in a bad mood wearing a blue shirt you will be hired at the Apple store without even applying.
Every date is the first date if you get black out drunk every time.
They’re gathering information by going through our trash. Learning. Plotting. Raccoons haven’t forgotten that we used to wear them as hats.
It's also amazing how someday, someone walks out of your life and you wonder how the hell you lived with them!!
The F.C.C. has delayed the decision on the Time-Warner + Comcast merger. .....So, How do you think those folks like being put on HOLD ???
Sleep with me so I can put my freezing feet on you and probably take all of the covers and use you as a pillow. - WOMEN
It's ok to admit when you're wrong. Just don't tell anyone.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again...
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Babe, You Remind of Barbie's Malibu Beach House,.. Everything is for Looks and Nothing Works!"
A lot of mistakes, bad decisions, poor judgements, and total screw ups has led me to the right person in the right place at the right time.....
Don't teach your children the value of a dollar because if they find out , they'll ask for two.
hasn't met Mr Right yet. But she has met Mr Rude, Mr Cocky and Mr Cheap.
says Put your big girl flaming pink panties on and deal with it!
Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
[comment removed due to graphic content involving 3 Pints of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, a wrench, and handcuffs made out of Twizzlers.] 