Funny Status Messages

   When your kids become teenagers, it's important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.

   My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.

   Why isn't cat food made from squirrels, mice and birds? I've yet to find half a tuna on my porch.

   If we want to make America great again, we will have to make evil people fear punishment again.

   Anyone know how Pink's parents are named? I am assuming Red and White.

   SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.

   I have a sneaking suspicion that Elton John couldn’t have cared less about how tight Susie wore her dresses.

   Welcome to your 40s. Drugs are no longer just for fun, they’re medicine now

   it just me, or is Tom cruise starting to look like a middle aged lesbian?

   It’s funny how watching your kids get older is both the best and the worst thing ever

   I accidentally drank two energy drinks this morning and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

   I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.

   When life hands you Don Lemon, change the channel.

   A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already

   I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.

   United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.

   I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.

   You know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.

   Maybe I'm old school, but I like women with eyebrows actually made out of hair.

   No person who calls themselves the President of the United States should be on vacation while the world crumbles down around them.