Funny Status Messages

   Why isn't cat food made from squirrels, mice and birds? I've yet to find half a tuna on my porch.

   One of the worst jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in a James Bond movie.

   If we want to make America great again, we will have to make evil people fear punishment again.

   it just me, or is Tom cruise starting to look like a middle aged lesbian?

   Anyone know how Pink's parents are named? I am assuming Red and White.

   SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.

   I have a sneaking suspicion that Elton John couldn’t have cared less about how tight Susie wore her dresses.

   I accidentally drank two energy drinks this morning and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

   How can you tell that the truth is being told? When Facebook blocks it, Twitter deletes it, Google hides it, Youtube bans it, the media censor it, and the government forbids it.

   I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.

   When life hands you Don Lemon, change the channel.

   A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already

   I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.

   United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.

   I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.

   You know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.

   Maybe I'm old school, but I like women with eyebrows actually made out of hair.

   If Biden had a quarter for every smart thing he ever said, he’d have two dimes.

   No person who calls themselves the President of the United States should be on vacation while the world crumbles down around them.

   April fool's day idea: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says "Now voice activated!" Sit back & watch the magic unfold.