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If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes. 
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate that I ate.
I'd like to personally address Facebook in telling them we know how to vote and to kindly stop with those imbecilic notices.
I am having a weird day, first I found a hat full of money, then I got chased by a guy with a guitar.
You want a traditional thanksgiving? The CDC recommends you eat outside like a pilgrim this year
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN” -Costco.
Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.
Pro Tip: If you make a sex tape, make sure it plays Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.
I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way.
We Just bought 12 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Anybody else up to 6 meals a day
I've been eating so much during the lockdown. I'm starting to get a tan from the fridge light.
Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. You should worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. :-)
Anyone here with one leg? I have a ton of socks you can have.
I recently bought a toilet brush. To make a long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.
5 year olds can't bring milk, eggs or peanuts to school these days but they can bring the measles...
This morning My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Besides my good looks, honesty, charm, witty personality and my incredible sense of humor I have to say that my greatest characteristic is my modesty.
Just because you lost me as a friend doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I still want to see you eat, just not at my table.
No need for me to storm Area 51... I've been to Walmart... 