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just been named most witty friend on Facebook by J.D. Power and Associates. 
Let's get drunk and make some bad decisions
Dear hot chick I just passed on the street- I wasn't looking at you, you were looking at me. Get over yourself!
You know it's bad when the only thing women feel while having sex with you is remorse.
The less power a man has, the more he likes to use it. That's why bouncers are d!cks.
The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
I started doing one of those 10,000 piece puzzles last night and it only took me an hour to flip the table over and start drinking hard liquor.
Nobody's life is perfect, but life itself does have perfect moments….
Friend: "Your phone`s ringing." Me: "Yeah, phones do that..."
After looking at all the androids available, I think I've finally made my decision. I want one of the fembots from Austin powers..
i guess its time to get another dishwasher.........there is just so much drama in dating now
WARNING: Unhealthy relationships may cause headaches, stress & a waste of your time. The cure for this is to be single.
What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.
when I'm feeling athletic, I go to a sports bar
/ I'm not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there's so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
having one of those days where someone needs to be hit in the face with a cactus...
Captin Obvious and general stupidty Are in the same army
doesn't get upset at broken promises; I just think, why did they believe me?
X wonders "Do homeless people get knock-knock jokes?"
never do anything you wouldnt want to explain to the paramedics 