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Apparently "To get all this weed delivered" is not an appropriate answer when the cop pulls you over and asks why you were speeding. 
Organized people are just people who are too lazy to look for things.
A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart while sitting on Mall Santa's lap, Real Santa will bring you extra presents.
Choosing someone based on their looks, is like picking a Christmas gift based on the wrapping paper.
If anybody has a reason to be pissed at The Rolling Stone Magazine, its Dr Hook!
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it 'guy who’s getting laid.’
I think Wynonna has been "Snacking With The Stars".....
Found the perfect stocking stuffer. Someone threw away a perfectly good prosthetic leg in the dumpster.
Doesn't North Korea understand that these grand threats will result in a harsh musical rebuke from Toby Keith?
I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food. I'm not even sure where sandwiches live.
Arguing with a person who has rejected the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.
The Postal Service should have Lance Armstrong deliver Saturdays mail for free....
Barely 24 hours left to be nice, then its naughty naughties all over again
anyone else worried that if Wikipedia goes black, it'll never go back?
I started an Alcohol Free Diet today. So if its Free, I drink it.
Today I am the C.E.O of the "I Don't Give A Sh*t" Committee........ We Are Hiring
Thanks to all the legal and medical dramas I've watched, I'm pretty sure I'm capable of winning court cases and saving lives.
I'm not sure I understand What The Hell you're talking about....But.....you're showing cleavage, so I will listen.
I overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Facebook than to her, or at least that's what I think she said to me.
If it's true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 