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The meteorologist on the news gives the forecast then says, "People don't know the difference between weather and climate." Yes I do: "Oh look, a ladder I don't know weather I should walk under it or climate." See? Told you. 
Zuckerberg was going to steal your photos but saw that copyright status you posted and went back to having more money than you ever will.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters...
Aaron Hernandez, O.J. Simpson and Ray Lewis walk into a bar... Four dead, 11 injured.
Who named Trojan condoms? The Trojan Horse entered through the city gates, broke open, and loads of little guys came out and messed up everyone's day
Just because you are chubby and heartbroken doesn't mean you must sing Adele's song on Karaoke.
Every time I get dressed I make sure I take a second to ask myself, "How will this look stepping out of a time machine?"
Highways need 4 lanes per side. A Nascar wannabe, a normal driver, an old people who drive 30 in a 70 and a where the hell am I lane.
People need to realize that they cant control wether or not their partner cheats on them.
Tonight right before LeBron makes his announcement, Kayne West is going to jump on stage, grab the mic, and say "LeBron, LeBron.. You're a great ball player, but Michael Jordan is the best of all time." Then jump off stage.
Did 4000 eyelid lifts today.......I am tired. time for bed.
..have you noticed that when you take "the" and "IRS" and put them together,it spells "theirs"?
Being called beautiful is miles better than hot or sexy..
trying to decide whether Scooby Snacks or a can of Popeye's spinach would help more in a fight
Moving sucks! Why hasn't anyone invented Copy and Paste for real life?
would if be cruel to kidnap a man and keep him for purely sexual reasons?
I have 2 tons of that white global warming arctic packing material in my driveway right now going by the undercover name of "snow".
Peyton Manning's forehead is large enough to show an Imax movie.
Another epic rematch coming up. The US vs Canada in men's Olympic hockey. The loser gets to keep Justin Beiber!
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids,,,, a game known to most other people as Being Poor. 