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3 kinds of women:- Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have boyfriends and see wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what happened. 
I cooked a live Lobster in the microwave and now I have a giant mutant lobster in my living room demanding to watch The Little Mermaid.
"I am cleaning up my friends list" should be changed to "I'm notifying you that you should give me attention and argue your friendship level to me."
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don't have to save for retirement...
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That's not lazy, that's proactive.
When life gives you lemons, order the lobster tail.
I'd rather watch a candle melt than play a game on Facebook
I love how some of you judge the people that are shopping at Wal-Mart while shopping at Wal- Mart.
F.Y.I. ~~ hand jobs from girls who speak sign language....do in fact, count as blow jobs
I'm tired of the government reading all of my statuses but never liking any of them
Just heard that Justin Bieber is planning his next release. Sources say it's going to be on some dude's back.
The rudeness, the incompetence, the "attitude." I'm never using the self checkout again.
The only thing to fear is fear itself. Also: -Zombies. -Velociraptors. -Unwanted pregnancy. -The Hamburglar. -Spiders. -Madonna's arms.
Did you know that if you put your ear up to a strangers leg you can hear them say, "WTF are you doing?"
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I'm on Facebook, I don't have money or a life.
The way to a girl's heart is presents. The way to a woman's heart is presence.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
Quit blaming your parents for everything wrong in your life... Be grateful they saw you through your teeenage years and didn't kill you
It's like the uglier a person is, the more pics they wanna post all over their FB wall.
I sure do act like I know a lot for someone who falls over 3 or 4 times per week while putting on underwear. 