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Let's flip a coin, Heads I get Tail Tails I get Head! 
2 dyslexics run into a bank and shout "air in the hands mother stickers this is a f*ck up"
you know your old when you teabag the toilet water.
Dilemma. Do I wash dishes or do I attempt to eat Cornflakes from a cup with a knife?
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Passwords are like underwear. You shouldn't leave them out where people can see them. You should change them regularly. And you shouldn't loan them out to strangers.
Dear washing machine, I am all for fighting breast cancer, in-fact I have offered to be a buddy for the buddy check, but turning my socks pink… Come on!
Drugs may lead to nowhere but at least it's the scenic route.
we need more fathers and less sperm donors
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
I can't believe so many of my friends were close to Joan rivers...
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn't even eat them?
A transgender wins women's lifting competition. Pathetic, that's not a woman.
America doesn't have a gun problem, America has an idiot problem.
There are three kinds of people: Those that agree with me, those that kinda agree with me...then there are those that are buried in the backyard ;)
Sometimes I click the "LIKE" button on people's statuses just so I can then click the "UNLIKE" button. One of my many cheap thrills...
Getting back with an ex is pretty much like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
Love how the Salvation Army gets top dollar for donated old crap...I thought they were supposed to help poor people. Sorry Mr. Freezing Homeless guy..that coat is $40.
Well, if tonight's election proves anything....its that the unions were a lot more effective when the mob ran them.
Ladies, don't wear skinny jeans, if you have no skinny genes. 