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Who's hit more balls than Babe Ruth?...... Your chin 
Read it slow: LIFEISNOWHERE. What did you read? LIFE IS NO WHERE or LIFE IS NOW HERE? Life is as you read it.
Here's to anyone who has had their heart broken by someone... they have never dated.
Im surprised kids haven't found a way to trick or treat online yet
Older women are why I don't like younger women.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn't going according to plan...
I heard the new NBA 2K13 is so real that when Kobe gets the ball, the pass button just stops working.
Now is the later I avoided earlier.
Women like to hear things like, I love you and you're so pretty, while men like to hear things like, you're not the father or I swallow.
My Doctor says I'm a serious alcoholic, but I think I'm more of a funny alcoholic.
Home Alone! Expectation: Party! Party! Reality: Peeing with the door open.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.
When you have a " ■ " in the beginning of your status.... You're automatically an idiot..
MOM: Make your bed! SON: Why make my bed If I'm gonna sleep In It again tonight? MOM: Why wipe your ass If you are gonna poop again?
Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's leg you can hear them say, "What the f*ck are you doing?"
hasn't bought a single Christmas gift yet.
just won the Golden Globe for "Best status post, musical or comedy".
Dear Santa.... All I want is access to that "bad boy's" list of yours.
ATTENTION BIEBER FANS: All shows have been cancelled until after the holidays. Sorry for the inconvenience, but Santa needs him in the workshop.
hey Justin Bieber, remember Hanson? 