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I wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me, “Hey, we have four mutual colleagues in Linkedin." Can I come in? 
Are there any times in your life you wish you could just forget? Ummmm, like for instance, when that guy sucked the cheese off that other guy's finger in the Doritos commercial? I think I threw up in my mouth a little.
There are many paths On the journey through life, I think I might have chose the psychopath....
I married my wife for her looks, just not the ones she has been giving me lately
Do not assume that one without religion is lacking faith.
God puts people in my life for a reason... & removes them from my life for a better reason.
I think the most exciting part about morning $ex is when the couple turns on the light and they finally see me.
Can someone help me with this? I wanted some homemade honey, but I don't know how many bees to put in this blender...so far it tastes horrible.
I just walked in on my roommate while I was masturbating.
and the winner of the best Harlem Shake.......Lil Wayne!
The Royal baby took so long to come out they are going to name him George Michael
Girls: just remember each morning when you put on makeup- somewhere in the world a clown is starting his day doing exactly the same thing.
It's a good thing most mens rooms have changing tables because sometimes I need to lay down after I poop.
Some dude told me that there is no resolution to war. The only way to settle conflicts is through verbal debate. After an hour of "verbally debating" the issue, I punched him in the face and swiftly brought resolution to the matter.
It must've been tough being a magician in the 15th century. "Is this your card?" "Burn him! Burn the witch!!".
What's on the board: 2•54/57(7+5/8)²•ab-c³ What teacher sees: 2+2=4 What you see: すきうせちし what you remember: __________
I'm proud to come from a family of work-a-holics.....Everytime someone mentions work, we all get drunk! ツ
Did you hear about the two car pile-up in the Walmart parking lot? 50 Mexicans died
The hardest part about moving forward is not looking back.
Whats the differentce between A Jersey girl and a piece of trash? People pick up trash. 