Funny Status Messages

   We were so poor when I was a little boy that I had to share my sandbox with our cat.

   Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.

   I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!

   I'll never force my child into religion. When the right time comes, I'll explain to him/her the differences, and then he/she can choose between Star Trek and Star Wars.

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net at least a year supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.

   Your call is very important to us so please enjoy this flute solo for the next 90 minutes

   I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.

   Ok, let's be honest. I hate shopping for bras. You would think with the growing population of aging baby boomers, they would have more of a selection in 36 long.

   Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha…🤔

   People that get, “the most votes in history” don’t raid their opponent’s homes. But election stealers do.

   Jussie, you've been found guilty but please don't beat yourself up over it.

   If you think your microwave spying on you is bad… Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

   "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

   There are only two things I want out of life! 1. Lose Weight 2. Eat!

   In United's defense, they only claimed the skies were friendly. They said nothing about what happens on the ground.

   It doesn't matter if you're black or white, heterosexual or homosexual, man or woman because cats hate all of you.

   I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.

   Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis

   Don't forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.

   How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge a grand for it.