Funny Status Messages

   Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.

   I remember when social networking was something that happened in person. How awkward.

   My friend just accused me of cheating in poker, I think he is just mad I won with 6 king

   There's 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

   So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.

   Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

   Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located? Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

   The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

   Congratulations to USSR for signing Brittney Griner to a long-term contract.

   I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.

   Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha…🤔

   Ok, let's be honest. I hate shopping for bras. You would think with the growing population of aging baby boomers, they would have more of a selection in 36 long.

   Joe looks like Nancy’s vagina.

   Jussie, you've been found guilty but please don't beat yourself up over it.

   If you think your microwave spying on you is bad… Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

   "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

   In United's defense, they only claimed the skies were friendly. They said nothing about what happens on the ground.

   The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.

   It doesn't matter if you're black or white, heterosexual or homosexual, man or woman because cats hate all of you.

   There are only two things I want out of life! 1. Lose Weight 2. Eat!