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People please!! It's not the end of the world. It's just the beginning of a new, glowing, ticking kind of world.. 
Ever have one of those days, when you just want to throw a wet cat at someone's face
If I'm not mistaken, I believe my 6 year-old just tried to choke me by using the Force.
DUDE I WASN'T THAT DRUNK! Dude, you were shaking pineapples yelling "Spongebob, I know you're in there!"
It must be "National Beat Up Your Co-Worker Day" cause I've got the urge to walk across the hall and enjoy my holiday.
Today's excuse for drinking beer: "I wanted some beer."
the missus was not happy when I took out the tampons in her box and replaced them with party poppers!
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did.
Don't sacrifice your friends for your "loved one". Because if your "loved one" is making you leave your friends...there's something wrong.
instead of that daylight savings crap why dont we just move the clock ahead an hour every friday at noon so we get outta work early , then on sunday move the clock back an hour at like 3AM so we can sleep that extra hour .
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the batch of cinnamon rolls in the oven!
The next Fast and the Furious should just be two hours of a guy doing steroids inside of a Nissan Cube.
Oh christ it's Olympic Soccer. If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I'd take some of my single friends to the bar.
Can't wait to buy Randy Travis's new album "Down and Loaded"with the hit single "Pants On The Ground"
Dec 21st falls on a Friday... What a sh*tty way to start the weekend..
Sorry ladies, no more Ding Dongs---and sorry fella's, no more Ho Ho's...R.I.P. Hostess! ツ
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
I'm trying to make a Miley Cyrus joke but it's not twerking
it safe to comeback? Are the kids back to school yet?
When I run out of whiskey I tend to drink non-alcoholic beverages like beer, wine & rum. 