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Maybe if my boss saw how many statuses I can drop in a day, he'd stop saying I'm unproductive. 
The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' and I said, 'Dust!'
The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off
When your computer asks "Are you sure?", it's because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions you've made.
If you're going to do something stupid and you know it's stupid, make sure you say "fu*k it" beforehand. It's like the thumbs up.
Just because it"s called spandex..doesn't mean it should be put to the "how far can it expand" test.
If you ran as much as your mouth you'd be in great shape
If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them. But remember to throw the flower pot with it.
Keep your FRIENDS close and your Enemies on Limited Profile.
No matter what I do, I cannot get any kudos from my girlfriend. If I walked on water she'd say, "What, you can't swim?"
People wearing neckbraces should wear a t-shirt explaining why.
Just saw a hot girl delivering pizza. NOT in porn--for an actual job. The American economy is worse than we realize
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don't live longer, just seems longer.
pretty sure I can beat just about anyone up, I've seen the karate kid atleast 30 times
Remember when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bi**h slap them!
feels like a Fruit Loop trapped in a box of Cheerios...
very temperamental - 50% temper and 50% mental.
just wants to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes CAN change your life!!
's Words of Wisdom: Mondays are God's punishment for what you did during the weekend!
Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls. 