flinnie Funny Status Messages

   The heart wants what it wants. To pump blood to the rest of your body. Oh and for you to stop blaming it for your stupid actions.

   I snuck in my neighbor's house last night and ate up all their Christmas cookies. This secret Santa thing isn't so bad after all.

   Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around-- Unused Sick Days, apparently it's very contagious.

   Car alarms would be a lot more effective if they sounded like two people fighting. Everyone would turn their had for that

   Judging by how many people brazenly wander into traffic while staring at their phone, there must be some force-field app I don't know about.

   Few things stress me out as much as a waiter who doesn't write the order down.

   People will stop making small talk with you if you simply wear clown makeup whenever you're out in public.

   My sixth sense is upon entering someone's home for the first time, I immediately know where the pillow forts should be built.

   Remember when there was a time limit on the drinking fountain as a kid? They need that at the Redbox!

   Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can't figure out how to escape with all the windows down?

   At the end of my dinner the waiter asks "wanna box" so I got up and knocked him out. I bet he won't ask that question again.

   Someone should sit Lindsay Lohan down and force her to watch that episode of Saved by the Bell where Jessie was addicted to caffeine pills.

   The girl at CVS asked if I wanted to "hang out and wait for my prescription" I told her I don't even know you and besides I have a girlfriend

   If anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it's equally awkward for both of us.

   Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it's time and getting to know each one of us personally.

   Silence is golden. Unless you have a kid. Then, silence is just suspicious.

   You haven't experienced awkward until you tickle someone who isn't ticklish

   if you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn't be telling you this"

   My life coach just told me to fake an injury

   Question: if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie apocalypse problem?